– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
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A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
my one true gender
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.