@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
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I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.