@OhNoSheTwitnt

Twitter comedian: I’m the greatest tweeter alive!
Kanye: Even I don’t want that title.

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@Home_Halfway

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

@NikkiNeverAgain

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

@KeetPotato

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

@Ilikerockme

Me at 17: voted most likely to be Prime Minister

Me now: looking frantically for my phone that is in my hand

@Tommytoughstuff

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

@rachelle_mandik

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

@TheRolo

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

@liv_thatsme

Me: Will I be happy in 2017?

(peers into crystal ball)

Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

Psychic: I don’t know; I’ve never seen one explode before

@helenrclarkson

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.