Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
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I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!