Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.