Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
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*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.