Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
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peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Me, flirting😏
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
yeah no that’s fair
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.