Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
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I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Put this video in the Louvre
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.