Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

🗽

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.