TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
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If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.