Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

#math

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?