Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

Ugh

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

A male goth is called a broth.

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

A double negative is a big no-no.

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.