Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

couldn’t resist

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.