Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
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Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
When I pack too much for a short trip.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.