Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

Yes

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

Just a phase…

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?