Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
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So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.