Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
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I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
this is so top tier i cant
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng