Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
That lamp looks PISSED.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.