Twitter fine art
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Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
seems like a niche market
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner