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Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
is it earth
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.