@ThugRaccoons

Twitter fine art

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@MartaEffing

My date thinks he’s gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants.

The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I’m wearing a skirt.

@Ristolable

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

@put_veerle

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

@retardedwriter

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

@BoomBoomBetty

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

@BSnapz2019

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

@EFFFFFFYOU

Report – Sharks have difficulty finding work 51 weeks every year.

@fuzzlime

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

@TheAlexNevil

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

@RealRebelElle

Them: Who’s going to enforce this ban on gatherings?

The boss: People will just have to use common sense

—And this folks, is how the world ends