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“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training