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There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
