Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

We found love in a hopeless place.

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?