Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Monday Lisa

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.