Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.