twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
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It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.