Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
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thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.