Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you