Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
🤣🤣🤣
My biological clock is wheezing.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
this post was so formative to me
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh