Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
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my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.