Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.