Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
So the ex texted me
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
just witnessed a drug deal
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat