Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
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I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun