Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

This is not me but this is me