Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still