Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?