Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.