Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

🙄

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

me when i smell free food in the break room

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

This guy’s not having it 😆

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.