Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
*limbos away from your hug*
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?