Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I don’t think I could be Spider-Man because I hate it when my fingers are all sticky.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Print is alive and well!!!
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
