Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

Where is your GOD now????

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

her: let’s try roleplaying

me: can I be a hypochondriac?

her: you got it

me: *suddenly nervous* got what

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.