Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Kids, do not try this at home!
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Arrest that man!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
