Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
You Might Also Like
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.