Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.