Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
You Might Also Like
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
The sacred texts.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Children of the Corn Man
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Breaking news:
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy