Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming