Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*