Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

good work, everybody

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.