Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
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villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”