twitter is a journey
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[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
The honesty is refreshing
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I am patiently waiting for your email
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet