Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
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If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it