Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
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yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
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Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa