Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.