Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.

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“This is so wrong,” I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut


Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce


Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)


Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom


He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG


My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada


Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.


I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.


The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,