Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
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To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Jurassic park gets weird
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no