Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

why no one uses midhusbands

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”