Twitter is an abusement park.
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person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake