Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
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God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
