Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

Taking phone security to the next level.

OKAY DAD

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.