Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

Bit chilly again tonight.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”