Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
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COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
*seductively eats two tums*
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.