Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
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*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I’m turning the tables on “big beef” and from here on out I’m only eating beef fed grass!
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that