Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating