Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
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If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal