Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Google assistant rules

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day