twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
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I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm