Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
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If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I’ll be mad as hell!
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Love thy neighbor’s dog
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Phones down.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma