Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

Here to help

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

The Book. The Movie.

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

Just me and my debit card against the world

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

Bruh PLEASE

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.