Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.
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i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?