Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.
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Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Turns out if you ask your neighbor who his favorite serial killer is he’ll stop trying to talk to you & I just wish I’d thought of this sooner.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.