Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
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It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.