Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
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China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that