Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
You Might Also Like
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
…..pretty much.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
this is the kind of friend i am
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?