Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
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Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I put the p in pants.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.