Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
