Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

remember

only for emergencies

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?