Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.