Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON