Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
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onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
this is literally a CIA plant
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Solving a traffic jam
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex